I've always admired females for their skills in human relationships. Yes, they can lead two conversations at a time. However, there is a slight problem. This communication works only with other women.

For example, if a woman tries to communicate with a man, there might be trouble. If the man tries to express a simple greeting like "Hi", she will hear the following: I'd like to have sex with you and dump you in the morning.

Another problem while conversing with women that you almost never know what's going to happen next. If she comes in and says "How does this dress look on me? Is it good?" you need to weigh your options carefully. My best guess is to try to interpret the body language. Because if she likes it - you must like it too. But if she hates the damn thing, you need to hate it too. Otherwise, you might as well start digging your own gravy. Or even a grave. Because she ain't gonna cook. If she ain't cookin' and you don't know how to cook - you're dead.

Here is a typical conversation between a man and a woman:

• Yeah, I can't make it tonight, I have two projects to finish and I'm currently in the process of dismantling a nuclear bomb and preventing World War III while rescuing an infant and his cat from a burning building.
• What??? How dare you???? You don't love me!!!!
• But honey, look...
• Don't you honey me, doing all that..stuff..is more important to you than listening to me yapping about how terrible this hair dye looks when combined with these new shoes!!

And what is this crap with women and shoes?? Do they develop extra feet during their life? One pair of shoes for every occasion?? How many occasions are there?? An infinite number of occasions?? Talk about nuts..

And what is this crap with women and jewelry?? They are so obsessed with shiny objects and how much this new piece of crap earring highlights their ass. Wait, what?? Earrings? You have got to be freaking shitting me!

Dear beloved women,

this is how it works. Either you have an ass. Or you don't have an ass. There is no freaking dress, shirt, hat, or shiny object that would correct this. Men never see what are you wearing. Well, unless it's really small. Or tight. We are trying to see what's underneath all that crap you're trying to seduce us with.

The same thing goes for breasts. Who the hell wants to cuddle silicon blobs?? If I wanted to do that I'd be cuddling my CPU for crying out loud.

Sometimes it's just better to think of women as little babies. You know, like: Look, it's a shiny object, ooooooh it's soooo shiny I must buy it now..